I love a good old pat on the back when I've done something good. I love it when people tell me I'm a good person or I do amazing things. It feels good. I want people to look at me and say, "Wow she is an amazing Christian woman!" But... I want them to say that about me and not necessarily about what God is doing in my life. My thoughts keep going back to that verse about the jars of clay... you know, the one I've already done 2 posts about. It's like God wont let me forget it.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
2 Corinthians 4:7
In my last post about this verse I talked about how I no longer wanted to patch up my mistakes but wanted God to shine through all my cracks. The mental image I had was me shoving clay into all my cracks so that it looked like I never struggled with sin, or at least not any of the big sins that would cause people to think badly of me. But by patching up those sins or by acting like they never existed I was blocking out God's shining power and grace. I wasn't letting people see God working in me. I wanted to change that.. and still do.
But now another problem is revealing itself. I want people to see God shinning in me... but for the wrong reasons. I love saying "Oh it's all God, not me!" unfortunately there are times when I say it so that people see me as super righteous and so Godly! I want them to see God's light shining in me so that I can say "Yep, I let God have control of this, that, and the other thing! Aren't I so amazing and committed?"
The mental image I get from this is me sealing my cracks with a clear glaze. You can still see the crack and God's light shining through.... but now there's a bit of me and my control showing. And now God's light isn't as bright. It's some what muted from the thin layer of me. Is that really what I want? Do I really want to get in God's way? Why am I so focused on being seen and praised? Deep down I know I don't deserve it, I know that God is to be praised for all the goodness in my life. It wasn't me that suddenly developed the formula to let go of anger! It was God working in me and nudging me constantly. But there's still this little part of me that says, "Ya but you let Him in... you let Him work in you right? So don't you deserve a pat on the back?"
This is what I'm really struggling with at the moment... and well for my whole life to be honest. I wish I could tie this post up with a pretty little bow and say, "And that is how I figured out how to be humble and point solely at God and not myself! Much love, Abbey!" But, I can't. And I'm ok with that. This is yet another place where God is going to move and change me. Yet another glowing spot in my very "cracked" life! I'm excited to see God at work. Please pray for my journey with our Lord. Please pray that He humbles me and awes me with how great He is! I want to be totally sold out for our Savior. I want Him to truly be my Lord. Please pray that i get over myself :) Watch Him work, not me!