Monday, April 30, 2012


Good morning fellow bloggers!

Today's post is a bit different. Today this will not end in a pretty little bow. I don't have the answers, but I am fervently seeking them.

The past few days have been rough. I have been really struggling with trusting God and with even caring. I hate it when I go down this far and I HATE even more admitting it to others. Shouldn't my faith be perfect by now? Especially since it's really not based on my strength but God's? Shouldn't I at least be seeking God when things go upside down like this? It's especially hard to admit when nothing life changing has happened! My emotional "needs" just have not been met by God and my selfish desires are getting in the way.

Something that I found tied into this really well is that earlier this week I got rather huffy with my husband. I told him that I didn't feel like he was trying very hard to make me feel special and loved. I obviously know I'm loved (and the more I think about it the more I realize he is quite the catch ;) ) but he wasn't doing certain things that "I" thought would show romance and love. As I talked it out with him I realized my heart was no where near the right place. I had been watching some Grey's Anatomy this week (Ok maybe 10 episodes in two days is a lot? ;) ) and I was getting all these ideas about how love was supposed to be and I was thinking so much about myself! I wasn't really thinking about love, I was thinking about my wants and my desires. Those two things are very different. Love is what we need. What I want is something that is fleeting and not important. It's just like God. He offers us what we need but that doesn't always mean we're going to get what we think we deserve or want. However if our hearts are in the right place and if we're following after God we will start to want what He wants and we will be less selfish. I've experienced this many times, but I still seem to fall back to the "me, me, me" mentality.

So some things I'm struggling with with God:

1: "If it's too hard and you're feeling weighted down by your faith, then you're trying to muscle it on your own." Ok but how do I stop muscling it? How do I truly give it over to God when I'm a control freak and like to hold on deep down?

2: How do I trust God when I don't want to?

3: God doesn't promise that he'll give us what we want but what we need. Well if my heart isn't in the right place then I"m not going to want what He wants and so there is going to be this constant struggle between us. And I don't want to draw closer to Him right now because there is something I really want and I am so afraid it's not what He wants. So how do I turn to God when I'm so fixed on what I want and so afraid that He'll take it from me?

4: I have asked the Holy Spirit to fix this and to help me... but every time I pray that there's this little part of me that's crying out "NO! Don't fix it! I want to be in control! I want to get what I want and ignore God!" So  how do I deal with that?

Despite all my questions and hard feelings I do trust that God will show me the answers and help me through this. I am beyond thankful that He promises that I will not be left this way. He may not work in me and change me in the way I think He should, and He may not give me what I want. But I have to just keep the trust that over all He will come through. I may be struggling with trusting the specifics, but I do believe above all else that He loves me and knows what is best. If you have any words of wisdom or scripture for me please feel free to comment! I love feedback, especially when I'm needing answers :)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Here's to a good relationship!

One of my very good friends (ok, best friends) and I seem to always have a daily check-in via text message. There's never a set time or set conversation, it just happens. It's anything from, "Hey dear! I was thinking about you and praying for you today. I hope your day is going well! Love you!" (usually I'm on the receiving end of this) to "Ugh I am so crabby and need to talk!" (Unfortunately she's usually getting this from me lol) It's a very special thing to have a relationship with someone that you fully trust and can talk to about anything. But even with our daily "chats" we have to get together at least once a month, if not more, to have a sit down "catch me up on your life" conversation. In the weeks between our long conversations I always miss my dear friend and I always long to hang out with her. It is in these conversations that we grow closer to one another. We're not distracted by other things or limited to how many characters can go into a sentence before being cut off. We laugh, we vent, we cry, we talk about the One that connects us above all other things. Some how hours fly by with her. My husband is always amazed when I finally walk through the front door, "Wow! You were gone a long time!" I just laugh and say, "What did you expect? It's always like that when we hang out!" I am so blessed to have this sweet girl in my life. And as she does so often through her words and actions she has reminded me of my relationship with Christ. Each morning as I get up and do my devotions I turn to the right pages and read for a bit, put my Bible down when finished and thank God for His word. I pray for a little bit and then head off to get ready for the day. When I start my morning in God's word my whole day just feels better. It doesn't necessarily go better, but I have more joy and contentment. It's such an honor to be able to come to the feet of the all powerful God and just talk with Him! But as the week lags on my heart gets lonely  and I become weary. I assumed I was just tired from getting up each day and going through the motions of life. I figured that once the weekend came I'd be fine. And usually I did get better as far as rest goes. But I would still feel unsettled and restless.  I've always noticed this tendency but never figured out what was going on, until last week. Last Friday I felt the urge to sit down with God before I did my chores or in all honesty got on Facebook. I get Friday's off and usually try to be as productive as possible ;). I always squeeze in some Bible time after I do most of my "to do list" but I never sit down and just pore over the Word the way I did that day. I sat on my couch for four hours and went through passages that I had been wanting to look up. I wrote down scripture that I wanted to memorize. I prayed about everything under the sun. I laughed and I cried with my Savior. Though honestly most of my crying was from Joy of finding new wisdom and truth in His word. I was amazed at all the things He showed me that day. God shows me amazing things in my morning devos but due to a time restriction and lack of discipline on my part (I admit it) I often times don't get the full blessing of seeing God's heart. I loved that I was able to sit down with My Lord and have a "Catch me up on life" conversation with Him. Our relationship with Him is no different than any relationship with our friends and loved ones. It needs time and effort for it to prosper and become personal. Quick "hellos" and "how are yous" each day are amazing and a wonderful way to stay connected, but we still need a face to face, heart to heart every so often. I've also noticed that after spending a longer amount of time on a chat,either with my friend or with God, I tend to think about them more often. If I  spend the majority of one day a week or every other week with God my focus really starts to be on Him. It's amazing! I am praying with all that I am that God helps me to continue this way of getting to know Him. May life never become too important that I don't take the extra time to really sit down with Him!

With Love,


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Have you ever tried to lose weight or get healthy? Every couple of months I try to get "back" into the routine of healthy eating and working out. I don't do this to lose weight (had to clarify that for all you who like to encourage me and tell me I'm fine just the way I am :) ) I do it because honestly it does make me feel better and I like not jiggling as I walk down the aisle  at Kroger (purchasing carrot sticks and ground turkey, I promise!)  But some how I always fall back into "oh a side of french fries wont be a problem," or "three cupcakes? Not a biggie!" (yes I have done this.. many times.)
During one of my "I'm going to do it!" phases I subscribed to a magazine that goes through several work out routines a month and has tear our cards of weakly meals. In this magazine there are countless articles all about how to eat healthy and how to "trick" yourself into loving the good stuff. I'm amazed and astounded by how one months article completely contradicts the next months hot fad.

"Throw all of your weaknesses out! Get rid of all the salty treats and sugary confectioneries today!" cries one article, "You have to get it all out as soon as you commit to a diet. If you keep the junk in your house, you're bound to eat it!"  Makes sense right? And really it holds a lot of truth.

"Don't go crazy and give up all your favorite things at once!" another article claims, "If you do you'll just crave it even more and end up giving in and heading to McDonald's or Dairy Queen." That too makes a lot of sense! And once again holds a lot of truth in my life.

So what's the answer? The more I Google "Good dieting tips" the more I see contradictions! One website says that studies show this and another website says the complete opposite. What's the truth?

It's all the truth... and not in the sense that some people do better with "this" fad or others do better with "that" fad. Honestly one week throwing out all the junk works, and then the next week going slow works really well. Why is that?  In Jeremiah 17:9 (you were waiting to see how God tied into this weren't you? ;) ) it says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Do you ever wonder what you really want? On one side you really want this... but then again you kinda don't want it. I have noticed a lot lately that there are a lot of things about me that contradict one another. An example is that I thrive on attention. I LOVE it when people treat me nice and give me praise. But on the other hand I HATE attention! I would rather sit at home with my husband and puppy, I get embarrassed when someone tells me I did a great job or look really nice. If that's not a contradiction then I don't know what is. What does my heart really want? Will totally getting rid of the candy bar help me stay healthy or should I slowly ease my way into a chocolate free zone (ok we all know that is NEVER happening!) My heart is so deceptive. I can never truly understand myself. That is why there is no "inner peace" or "inner truth." Because as humans we just don't have what it takes to find perfection in ourselves. But if we continue onto Jeremiah 17:10 it says, "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind," Only God can look at our heart and our mind and organize the crazy mess. Only He can tell where we're truly at and what will truly make us happy. He is our peace and our strength. We shouldn't be putting our trust in ourselves, if we did we'd be beyond confused! No, we are to be putting our trust fully in Him! Only He is stable!

With Love,