Grief is a funny thing, well you know what I mean. You expect it to knock at your door at specific times, and hope that it will go away when it's over stayed its welcome. I've mentioned randomly through out this blog that I recently lost my mom to a very long battle with cancer. Recently... there's another funny term. For some a year sounds like a life time ago, for others (myself included) a year seems like just yesterday.
When my mom first passed away I way fine, or at least as fine as anyone could be. I cried my eyes out the first few weeks and morned my loss, but I also rejoiced in my new found faith and in the fact that my mom was no longer in pain or being dragged to yet another Dr.'s appointment. All in all I was doing ok. She died on February 8th 2011, it was the beginning of spring that year and the sunshine did my heart a lot of good. It rained a lot in the later months but my heart still soared as I dug into God's word and put my hope in Him. Through out the summer I hung out a lot with my family and spent a lot of my free time swimming at my parent's house with my little brother and older sister. I wish I could say that my mom was always at the back of my mind, but she wasn't. Whenever something happens that I know would cause me pain I tend to push it out of my mind. If I don't think about it then I wont be upset. There were nights when memories would start flooding my thoughts and the agony of missing her would finally hit me full force. But even then I would push it away and think about other things.
Though spring and summer were great and my spiritual walk progressed fall was another story. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the smells, the food, and the colors that adorn every tree. By the middle of July I was ready for fall. I couldn't wait for carving pumpkins and baking apple crisp or walking around Tanner's orchard. I waited and waited. Half way through October I was still waiting. It just didn't feel like fall. Nothing was the same but I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Random thoughts of my mom would come to mind, going grocery shopping together, going to the mall, more Dr.'s appointments, and lunch at Olive Garden. By pushing everything down I had forgotten that my mom had been a huge part of fall the year before. As the season wore on I decided to set my sights on Christmas and winter. I figured that since Christmas was a time for the family to get together everything would be perfect. Obviously I knew that it would also be a time to really miss my mom. But I figured the lights, the tree, the time spent with family, all of that would make up for it. I was super excited to celebrate Christmas this year also because it would be my first Christmas as a Christian.
Just like fall, however, nothing felt quite right. Christmas tunes played on the radio but it was as though I couldn't hear them. Christmas lights were up all around town but they didn't make me smile the way they use too. I even got two weeks off from work but did very little in the name of Christmas cheer. When Christmas day finally arrived I was grumpy and irritable. Nothing was going the way I thought they would and I just could not figure out why. I cried and yelled about things that weren't really bothering me and tried my hardest to search within myself for the problem. Finally after lying in bed for a good twenty minutes and crying my heart out to God the cold stark reality hit me. I miss my mom way more than I thought.
Like I said, grief is a funny thing. You'd think I'd have gone through all this when she first died and finally be on the rebound now that a year has gone by. But with the year marker quickly approaching I find myself angry. Angry with God, angry with my circumstances, angry with the world. I know my mom is in a much better place and that she is happy beyond measure. And I still don't wish her back to this dreary sinful place. But there is a part of me missing now and it's hard to deal with that.
This past week or so I have really been dealing with "am I truly changed in Christ?" I was slipping back into old habits, not reading God's word not wanting to further my relationship with Him. I was back to the old lazy Abbey. This made me even more angry with God and confused. How could I continue with this relationship if the promise of change wasn't fulfilled?
I talked to my best friend about it yesterday and she continued to say that she had seen a change in me. I was a new creation. Out of anger I argued with her and told her I just wasn't seeing it and couldn't believe it. But the more we talked the more I realized I have changed. Maybe not in the way that I wanted or even as much as I had hoped, but I am new. Unlike two years ago my anger and frustration has not made me turn my back on God. I still believe that He loves me and that He knows what is best for me. That promise has never changed. My sinful self wants Him to just hand everything to me that is easy and happy, but He never promised that your life here on earth would be one big rainbow. Though He may not be holding me the way I want Him to be, He is indeed holding me and whispering "I love you Abbey."
I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my mom. I'm still angry. Not so much at God but at how things played out. However I'm not running any more.... or at least not today. I'm going to take life day by day now and just look at what God is giving me. I will abundantly thank Him for what He has done and lean on Him with the assurance that He will hold me up through all of this.
I realize that today's post may not make sense to many people. I'm a bit jumbled sometimes as I write my thoughts out, mainly because my thoughts are often times jumbled :) But if there is one thing that you get from today I pray that it is this. No matter what you're going through remember that; God's word is ALIVE and ACTIVE in you, You can do all things through Christ, You are who God says you are (redeemed, loved, chosen, blessed, blameless, a new creation in Him, the list goes on) God can do what He says He can do, and God IS who He says He is. Just because you feel yourself slipping into to old sins and habits doesn't mean you are your old self. Don't run from Him in your shame, run to Him knowing that He will not turn away from you. He will open His arms and lift you up. For you are His and He loves you.