Good morning fellow bloggers!
Today's post is a bit different. Today this will not end in a pretty little bow. I don't have the answers, but I am fervently seeking them.
The past few days have been rough. I have been really struggling with trusting God and with even caring. I hate it when I go down this far and I HATE even more admitting it to others. Shouldn't my faith be perfect by now? Especially since it's really not based on my strength but God's? Shouldn't I at least be seeking God when things go upside down like this? It's especially hard to admit when nothing life changing has happened! My emotional "needs" just have not been met by God and my selfish desires are getting in the way.
Something that I found tied into this really well is that earlier this week I got rather huffy with my husband. I told him that I didn't feel like he was trying very hard to make me feel special and loved. I obviously know I'm loved (and the more I think about it the more I realize he is quite the catch ;) ) but he wasn't doing certain things that "I" thought would show romance and love. As I talked it out with him I realized my heart was no where near the right place. I had been watching some Grey's Anatomy this week (Ok maybe 10 episodes in two days is a lot? ;) ) and I was getting all these ideas about how love was supposed to be and I was thinking so much about myself! I wasn't really thinking about love, I was thinking about my wants and my desires. Those two things are very different. Love is what we need. What I want is something that is fleeting and not important. It's just like God. He offers us what we need but that doesn't always mean we're going to get what we think we deserve or want. However if our hearts are in the right place and if we're following after God we will start to want what He wants and we will be less selfish. I've experienced this many times, but I still seem to fall back to the "me, me, me" mentality.
So some things I'm struggling with with God:
1: "If it's too hard and you're feeling weighted down by your faith, then you're trying to muscle it on your own." Ok but how do I stop muscling it? How do I truly give it over to God when I'm a control freak and like to hold on deep down?
2: How do I trust God when I don't want to?
3: God doesn't promise that he'll give us what we want but what we need. Well if my heart isn't in the right place then I"m not going to want what He wants and so there is going to be this constant struggle between us. And I don't want to draw closer to Him right now because there is something I really want and I am so afraid it's not what He wants. So how do I turn to God when I'm so fixed on what I want and so afraid that He'll take it from me?
4: I have asked the Holy Spirit to fix this and to help me... but every time I pray that there's this little part of me that's crying out "NO! Don't fix it! I want to be in control! I want to get what I want and ignore God!" So how do I deal with that?
Despite all my questions and hard feelings I do trust that God will show me the answers and help me through this. I am beyond thankful that He promises that I will not be left this way. He may not work in me and change me in the way I think He should, and He may not give me what I want. But I have to just keep the trust that over all He will come through. I may be struggling with trusting the specifics, but I do believe above all else that He loves me and knows what is best. If you have any words of wisdom or scripture for me please feel free to comment! I love feedback, especially when I'm needing answers :)