I see the army closing in, rushing towards me with their weapons drawn. I stand my ground knowing that my help in on the way. He will not abandon me or leave me hanging!
Suddenly the winds pick up and in a rush of heat He is standing next to me. I look up into His eyes and I see the power and authority that they hold. I will not fear for His promises are true! He has and always will come through!
The warriors continue to get closer, I can see the anger and hatred on their face. I lift my eyes up, my help comes from Him. I grab His hand as they draw near. A sudden burst of strength flows from His hand to mine. Though He has not whisked me away from the chaos and terror that is headed my way, He has offered me His hand and His promise to stay by my side.
The Army is upon us, their weapons slice the air searching for a way to harm me. I lift my eyes up and look to Him for direction. Our eyes lock and He holds mine as the army rushes past us. I do not even notice the sharp swords only inches from my body for my eyes are fixed on Him and He has given me the spirit of strength, not fear.
Our hands go up in victory as our enemies are demolished by His shear Will. My God came through! He did not delay! He was right by my side! He held my hand and saw me through the toughest time.
Oh, My God, He will not Delay! My refuge and strength always, ALWAYS!
http://youtu.be/DzJH4YeqfuQ
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
I stood, hunched over by the weight of my sin and pain, watching as He walked down the street. He was coming closer, walking slower with each step. As He moved along the line of spectators each one suddenly stood and stretched, no longer held down by their misdeeds and guilt. Each one that stood gasped as though they could hardly believe their sins were lifted. As each person stood up straighter, He slumped forward further as though the cross on His back got heavier with each step.
He drew nearer to me, He saw my failure and my shame. He couldn't possibly help me. I looked away, ashamed of all that I had done. I felt His stare. I could no longer keep my eyes away. As He approached He looked into my eyes, and in that instant I knew who He was, I knew What He was and what He was capable of. I felt the instant release of my burden. My back no longer carried the weight of my sinful self. I stood. I stretched. I watched as He took on my sin. His shoulders fell forward, His legs buckled slightly under the weight, but He moved on and looked into the eyes of the next lowly sinner.
What could I say? What could I do? He had done this for me! He took my chains away! What else was there to do than to offer my heart to Him? Completely.
I then followed Him, walking on salvation. I felt my spirit awakening along with a new spirit guiding me calling me to follow the one who had saved me. I was standing! And as I followed Him I watched as hundreds more stood. My life I now offer to declare His promise and to praise His name!
I once was held down by my sin and misery. But I will now stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in complete and utter awe of the one who saved us all! I will stand, my soul Lord to YOU surrendered. All I am is YOURS!
This is the scene that played in my head yesterday as we sang this song (http://youtu.be/bN1JyZ5yvE0) in church. I nearly cried as I thought of His eyes searching mine, as the weight of my sin transferred from me to Him. He not only died for us, He took on sin He who knew no sin. That is our God!
He drew nearer to me, He saw my failure and my shame. He couldn't possibly help me. I looked away, ashamed of all that I had done. I felt His stare. I could no longer keep my eyes away. As He approached He looked into my eyes, and in that instant I knew who He was, I knew What He was and what He was capable of. I felt the instant release of my burden. My back no longer carried the weight of my sinful self. I stood. I stretched. I watched as He took on my sin. His shoulders fell forward, His legs buckled slightly under the weight, but He moved on and looked into the eyes of the next lowly sinner.
What could I say? What could I do? He had done this for me! He took my chains away! What else was there to do than to offer my heart to Him? Completely.
I then followed Him, walking on salvation. I felt my spirit awakening along with a new spirit guiding me calling me to follow the one who had saved me. I was standing! And as I followed Him I watched as hundreds more stood. My life I now offer to declare His promise and to praise His name!
I once was held down by my sin and misery. But I will now stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in complete and utter awe of the one who saved us all! I will stand, my soul Lord to YOU surrendered. All I am is YOURS!
This is the scene that played in my head yesterday as we sang this song (http://youtu.be/bN1JyZ5yvE0) in church. I nearly cried as I thought of His eyes searching mine, as the weight of my sin transferred from me to Him. He not only died for us, He took on sin He who knew no sin. That is our God!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
One more "Say yes!" this week.
Well I took a leap and said yes again this week. And you're going to be so disappointed in what I had to say yes to.... going to Bible study last night!
Isn't it funny/annoying that after all I said two weeks ago about LOVING Bible study and being So excited to go, I just wasn't up for it last night? I could blame it on being an introvert, I honestly love just staying home every single night and not doing much. I could say it was because I was struggling with memorizing the verse of the week. I could even claim that I didn't want to go because once again I was intimidated by not knowing hardly anyone there.
I almost caved... almost. But outside of lying and saying I was sick, I really had nothing to hold me back. And I wasn't about to lie!
Once again I poured out my anxiety to God as I drove the short fifteen minute drive (add an extra five minutes since I drove past my turn.... Again! Anyone want to become my night time chauffeur?) and once again He answered my prayers.
The minute I pulled in to the parking lot I saw a girl I knew from high school, and we walked in together and sat down. Thank you Lord for giving me a friend to talk to! Next we were sent into our groups to go over the memory verse and what we did over the past week. Every woman in my group admitted to struggling with memorizing the verse! We said it all together and no one casted judgemental glances or laughed as we all stumbled on a word or two. Thank you Jesus for reminding me that we are ALL human and have struggles and that we are meant to build one another up, not tear each other down. The rest of the discussion was honest acceptance that we all struggled here or there with understanding what a passage meant and helping one another understand it. I felt accepted.
The rest of the evening all the groups came together and we went over the passages and how to apply them. Our leader even retold the story of "Tangled" in a way that depicted sin as holding us in a tower and deceiving us into believing it knew what was best for us when in all honesty we are the King's daughter and He is searching for us and wanting to be with us. (That alone would have been worth going to!)
All in All I am so glad I went! I was blessed with fellowship and the renewing of my soul. I could have easily stayed home and just said I was too tired or didn't feel like going, but there is a reason I'm in this Bible study. And I am so thankful God didn't just let me put it aside!
Thank you Heavenly Father for the opportunities you give us to grow closer to you! Thank you for not leaving us in our messes and telling us to just work our way out of it on our own. Lord, we are so blessed to have a God who loves us with ALL His heart. You are our King, and you have made us your princesses (and Princes.) I praise your Holy name, Father, with all that I have! Thank you for the constant nudges and opened doors. Lord, You alone truly satisfy me, You alone bring me justice, and only You can bring me escape from my sin and old self. May I cling to your promises and dwell in you all day long, in prayer and in your word. May the trappings of this world have no place in my heart or mind. May my heart and mind be SO full of you that there is no room for anything else! Jesus I thank you for your love and sacrifice!
With Love,
Abbey
Isn't it funny/annoying that after all I said two weeks ago about LOVING Bible study and being So excited to go, I just wasn't up for it last night? I could blame it on being an introvert, I honestly love just staying home every single night and not doing much. I could say it was because I was struggling with memorizing the verse of the week. I could even claim that I didn't want to go because once again I was intimidated by not knowing hardly anyone there.
I almost caved... almost. But outside of lying and saying I was sick, I really had nothing to hold me back. And I wasn't about to lie!
Once again I poured out my anxiety to God as I drove the short fifteen minute drive (add an extra five minutes since I drove past my turn.... Again! Anyone want to become my night time chauffeur?) and once again He answered my prayers.
The minute I pulled in to the parking lot I saw a girl I knew from high school, and we walked in together and sat down. Thank you Lord for giving me a friend to talk to! Next we were sent into our groups to go over the memory verse and what we did over the past week. Every woman in my group admitted to struggling with memorizing the verse! We said it all together and no one casted judgemental glances or laughed as we all stumbled on a word or two. Thank you Jesus for reminding me that we are ALL human and have struggles and that we are meant to build one another up, not tear each other down. The rest of the discussion was honest acceptance that we all struggled here or there with understanding what a passage meant and helping one another understand it. I felt accepted.
The rest of the evening all the groups came together and we went over the passages and how to apply them. Our leader even retold the story of "Tangled" in a way that depicted sin as holding us in a tower and deceiving us into believing it knew what was best for us when in all honesty we are the King's daughter and He is searching for us and wanting to be with us. (That alone would have been worth going to!)
All in All I am so glad I went! I was blessed with fellowship and the renewing of my soul. I could have easily stayed home and just said I was too tired or didn't feel like going, but there is a reason I'm in this Bible study. And I am so thankful God didn't just let me put it aside!
Thank you Heavenly Father for the opportunities you give us to grow closer to you! Thank you for not leaving us in our messes and telling us to just work our way out of it on our own. Lord, we are so blessed to have a God who loves us with ALL His heart. You are our King, and you have made us your princesses (and Princes.) I praise your Holy name, Father, with all that I have! Thank you for the constant nudges and opened doors. Lord, You alone truly satisfy me, You alone bring me justice, and only You can bring me escape from my sin and old self. May I cling to your promises and dwell in you all day long, in prayer and in your word. May the trappings of this world have no place in my heart or mind. May my heart and mind be SO full of you that there is no room for anything else! Jesus I thank you for your love and sacrifice!
With Love,
Abbey
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
What I said yes to this week...
I love order. I love having set rules and knowing exactly what is expected of me. When it comes to Bible studies I love having someone else decide on the pace and have questions thought out ahead of time. I really enjoy sitting down with my Bible, my notebook, and pen. With those three things I'm ready to "study" and answer all the questions put out in front of me. When I'm done reading my section and writing down my answers and observations I open my Bible to yet another chapter and start in on my other Bible study that is well thought out and put together completely, forgetting what I just read in my last study. With a final stab of my pen I end my last sentence, close my notebook, click my pen, close my Bible and move on.
Every day I would feel accomplished. I got through two Bible studies! But what did I learn? What scripture was I holding on to through out the day? Nothing... Nada! Sure in the moment I learned something and loved it! Lights were being turned on in my mind, but I didn't have the time to allow that light to stay on and grow brighter. And my relationship with Christ wasn't growing.
But it's better to read more scripture each day right? It's better to get in to as many Bible studies as possible right, to learn as much as possible in one sitting?
For some this is perfectly fine, even beneficial. But for me it was becoming a chore. Some days I dreaded opening my Bible because I saw all the curriculum piling up in front of me. Other days I looked at it as a challenge to get through.... to get through. Not to digest, not to grow in... no, to get through. I was getting burned out.
I felt like I was hearing a lot about "check lists" lately. My pastor has this analogy for doing things for His glory, but based on what we want to do. Pastor Tim calls it the donut.
At first Christ is the center and we really want to do things to bring Him glory. We start out with a Bible study, that's great! God wants us in His word! We then think, "Well I should do another one so that I'm doing more for Him!" Ok.... if you can handle that and if God is still the center then awesome! Go for it! Pretty soon you're adding on service projects, you're taking on more and more and suddenly it becomes about the things and what you're getting done instead of bringing God glory. God is no longer the center.. POP! He's out and you're left with a hole. What are you doing all those "Things" for? You have nothing in the center. You're a donut!
I felt like that was what was happening with my devotional time. I was trying to do more and more. I had even considered adding a third study. Again for some people this really does work! But for my perfectionist, structure loving self, it became about getting stuff done. I felt the loneliness of not having a close relationship with Christ. I didn't feel like I was really learning anything or growing closer to Him.
But I could do it! I knew I could! I just had to work harder, get up earlier! But it wasn't about time, it wasn't about working harder. I could easily do the devotions, but I wasn't allowing the time to really dig into them and allow God to open my eyes to what He wanted to show me. I had to get both done... that's all it was about.
So though my schedule loving flesh yelled out in protest I asked God what He wanted from me. I felt the answer right away. "Give up some of the stuff and just follow Me. I will show you what I want."
So this week I gave up a Bible study and decided to follow after God in a true walk with Him. The minute I dropped one of the studies I felt light and hopeful! I have dug into my other study with excitement and expectancy. I denied my desires and decided to stop "studying" and start devoting my time to Him who created me and saved me.
With Love,
Abbey
Every day I would feel accomplished. I got through two Bible studies! But what did I learn? What scripture was I holding on to through out the day? Nothing... Nada! Sure in the moment I learned something and loved it! Lights were being turned on in my mind, but I didn't have the time to allow that light to stay on and grow brighter. And my relationship with Christ wasn't growing.
But it's better to read more scripture each day right? It's better to get in to as many Bible studies as possible right, to learn as much as possible in one sitting?
For some this is perfectly fine, even beneficial. But for me it was becoming a chore. Some days I dreaded opening my Bible because I saw all the curriculum piling up in front of me. Other days I looked at it as a challenge to get through.... to get through. Not to digest, not to grow in... no, to get through. I was getting burned out.
I felt like I was hearing a lot about "check lists" lately. My pastor has this analogy for doing things for His glory, but based on what we want to do. Pastor Tim calls it the donut.
At first Christ is the center and we really want to do things to bring Him glory. We start out with a Bible study, that's great! God wants us in His word! We then think, "Well I should do another one so that I'm doing more for Him!" Ok.... if you can handle that and if God is still the center then awesome! Go for it! Pretty soon you're adding on service projects, you're taking on more and more and suddenly it becomes about the things and what you're getting done instead of bringing God glory. God is no longer the center.. POP! He's out and you're left with a hole. What are you doing all those "Things" for? You have nothing in the center. You're a donut!
I felt like that was what was happening with my devotional time. I was trying to do more and more. I had even considered adding a third study. Again for some people this really does work! But for my perfectionist, structure loving self, it became about getting stuff done. I felt the loneliness of not having a close relationship with Christ. I didn't feel like I was really learning anything or growing closer to Him.
But I could do it! I knew I could! I just had to work harder, get up earlier! But it wasn't about time, it wasn't about working harder. I could easily do the devotions, but I wasn't allowing the time to really dig into them and allow God to open my eyes to what He wanted to show me. I had to get both done... that's all it was about.
So though my schedule loving flesh yelled out in protest I asked God what He wanted from me. I felt the answer right away. "Give up some of the stuff and just follow Me. I will show you what I want."
So this week I gave up a Bible study and decided to follow after God in a true walk with Him. The minute I dropped one of the studies I felt light and hopeful! I have dug into my other study with excitement and expectancy. I denied my desires and decided to stop "studying" and start devoting my time to Him who created me and saved me.
With Love,
Abbey
Thursday, February 2, 2012
It's a new year and things have started out fresh! Last night I attended the first meeting of my church's women's bible study and we went through Romans 6:1-14. This passage is rich with promises and truth. We are a new creation when we accept Christ. Our old sinful self was buried with Him and new life has been born when He was resurrected! New Life... a fresh start, different, not held back from past sins! Sin no longer has us wrapped in chains. We will still be tempted and still fall into sin, but we no longer Have to do it!!! We have the greatest weapon of all on our side and ready to help us battle sin... Jesus Christ! For it is nothing that we have done that saves us from sin, but what He has done.
Having all of this running through my mind I thought "Am I living like I am a new creation? Am I living out the truth that I am dead to my old self?" The answer is no. And that word no is something that has been holding me back for a long time.
No I don't want to go to the women's bible study because I don't think I'll know anyone.
No I don't want to go to small group because I feel like I'm at a totally different place in my life than everyone else.
No I don't want to admit to that person that I totally told them a bold faced lie! They may judge me and hate me!
Though saying no obviously isn't a sin, saying no to God is. God wanted me to go to that Bible study, I knew it all along but up until the actual minute of walking through the front doors I was trying to come up with a reason why I couldn't do it. I wanted to say no so badly. Had I done what I wanted I would have missed out on a HUGE blessing! Same with small group this week. I didn't want to go because I was grumpy and didn't feel like hanging out with people. But again I would have missed out on yet another blessing and great fellowship. God nudges our hearts for a reason. He doesn't just tell us to do something for the fun of it, He has a purpose. Whether it's to bless someone else or us.
So where am I going with all this? I'm done with telling God no. I want to live the rest of the year, and my life, saying yes. Even if it means doing crazy scary things like moving (yes, to me that is terrifying!)
But I want to receive every bit of blessing I can and see God working in others. My hope and dream is to get on here every week and say "Hey guys this week I said yes to this and this is what happened!!!" But I also realize that there are going to be weeks maybe even months when God doesn't ask much of me. So here's my commitment, for every week that something does happen I will blog about it and tell you. I'm excited to see what saying yes will mean for me! Saying no has lead to guilt and regret... I want to be done with that! I want to say "Lord what do you have for me? You want me to talk to that person that I hardly know about that awkward thing? Ok I will!" If it's what God wants me to do then it will be beneficial :) Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But some day :)
Before I tell you about my week I have to tell you that I saw this idea on another blog. This girls story sounded so much like my own and her willingness to say yes inspired me to do that too. SEE!!! Saying yes has already been a blessing to her! She may never even know it but she has helped a person grow in their faith :) Here's a link to her blog if you're interested! http://samanthareed.org/2012/01/a-year-of-yes/
This week, as I've already said, was the first week of my church's bible study for the women. For the past month or so I had been wanting to get involved with my church and get to know the people in it. I go to a Harvest Bible chapel, if you've ever been to one of those you probably know how big they can get! I love our pastor and how he preaches the word with out apology. The only thing I really have to complain about is that I don't know hardly anyone outside of my small group there! When they announced the Bible study I felt God nudging my heart saying this was the perfect way to start getting involved. It took me a whole month to finally get signed up simply because I was afraid. As the day got closer doubts started flooding my mind and my introvert personality balked at the idea of walking into a room full of faces I didn't know, not to mention driving in the dark to a place I have never been! I'm basically blind at night (that probably worries a few of you) and I tend to get lost very easily. But I did it. After much prodding and prayer from my best friend I said yes and went. I am SO thankful I did! I can't wait to continue digging into God's word with these ladies! Not only will I be building relationships with new people but I will be getting into God's word and learning new truths!
Another thing I said yes to this week was confessing my sin and asking for forgiveness... from the person I sinned against. I lied to a few of my friends and God kept nudging me through out the night to admit it. Usually I just confess my sin to God and try to get over it, even though He always puts it on my heart to admit it to that person and truly be free from it. Especially when it's a lie because that tends to lead to more lies and more when you don't admit you lied in the first place. For once I said "Yes Lord" and admitted it. Wouldn't you know He blessed me with such great friends that they forgave me and I am now free from guilt. I don't have this guilty conscience nagging at me and telling me I need to come clean. It is seriously the best feeling!
I pray that you don't take from this that it's all what I do that brings me blessings. It's not! It's just me following God's will. And He is giving me the strength to do so. I am so excited for this journey, and scared silly! ;) But lets go on it together. If you feel God nudging your heart to say yes to Him more I urge you to take that step. Lets see what amazing things He will do!
With Love,
Abbey
Having all of this running through my mind I thought "Am I living like I am a new creation? Am I living out the truth that I am dead to my old self?" The answer is no. And that word no is something that has been holding me back for a long time.
No I don't want to go to the women's bible study because I don't think I'll know anyone.
No I don't want to go to small group because I feel like I'm at a totally different place in my life than everyone else.
No I don't want to admit to that person that I totally told them a bold faced lie! They may judge me and hate me!
Though saying no obviously isn't a sin, saying no to God is. God wanted me to go to that Bible study, I knew it all along but up until the actual minute of walking through the front doors I was trying to come up with a reason why I couldn't do it. I wanted to say no so badly. Had I done what I wanted I would have missed out on a HUGE blessing! Same with small group this week. I didn't want to go because I was grumpy and didn't feel like hanging out with people. But again I would have missed out on yet another blessing and great fellowship. God nudges our hearts for a reason. He doesn't just tell us to do something for the fun of it, He has a purpose. Whether it's to bless someone else or us.
So where am I going with all this? I'm done with telling God no. I want to live the rest of the year, and my life, saying yes. Even if it means doing crazy scary things like moving (yes, to me that is terrifying!)
But I want to receive every bit of blessing I can and see God working in others. My hope and dream is to get on here every week and say "Hey guys this week I said yes to this and this is what happened!!!" But I also realize that there are going to be weeks maybe even months when God doesn't ask much of me. So here's my commitment, for every week that something does happen I will blog about it and tell you. I'm excited to see what saying yes will mean for me! Saying no has lead to guilt and regret... I want to be done with that! I want to say "Lord what do you have for me? You want me to talk to that person that I hardly know about that awkward thing? Ok I will!" If it's what God wants me to do then it will be beneficial :) Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But some day :)
Before I tell you about my week I have to tell you that I saw this idea on another blog. This girls story sounded so much like my own and her willingness to say yes inspired me to do that too. SEE!!! Saying yes has already been a blessing to her! She may never even know it but she has helped a person grow in their faith :) Here's a link to her blog if you're interested! http://samanthareed.org/2012/01/a-year-of-yes/
This week, as I've already said, was the first week of my church's bible study for the women. For the past month or so I had been wanting to get involved with my church and get to know the people in it. I go to a Harvest Bible chapel, if you've ever been to one of those you probably know how big they can get! I love our pastor and how he preaches the word with out apology. The only thing I really have to complain about is that I don't know hardly anyone outside of my small group there! When they announced the Bible study I felt God nudging my heart saying this was the perfect way to start getting involved. It took me a whole month to finally get signed up simply because I was afraid. As the day got closer doubts started flooding my mind and my introvert personality balked at the idea of walking into a room full of faces I didn't know, not to mention driving in the dark to a place I have never been! I'm basically blind at night (that probably worries a few of you) and I tend to get lost very easily. But I did it. After much prodding and prayer from my best friend I said yes and went. I am SO thankful I did! I can't wait to continue digging into God's word with these ladies! Not only will I be building relationships with new people but I will be getting into God's word and learning new truths!
Another thing I said yes to this week was confessing my sin and asking for forgiveness... from the person I sinned against. I lied to a few of my friends and God kept nudging me through out the night to admit it. Usually I just confess my sin to God and try to get over it, even though He always puts it on my heart to admit it to that person and truly be free from it. Especially when it's a lie because that tends to lead to more lies and more when you don't admit you lied in the first place. For once I said "Yes Lord" and admitted it. Wouldn't you know He blessed me with such great friends that they forgave me and I am now free from guilt. I don't have this guilty conscience nagging at me and telling me I need to come clean. It is seriously the best feeling!
I pray that you don't take from this that it's all what I do that brings me blessings. It's not! It's just me following God's will. And He is giving me the strength to do so. I am so excited for this journey, and scared silly! ;) But lets go on it together. If you feel God nudging your heart to say yes to Him more I urge you to take that step. Lets see what amazing things He will do!
With Love,
Abbey
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
It's a funny thing....
Grief is a funny thing, well you know what I mean. You expect it to knock at your door at specific times, and hope that it will go away when it's over stayed its welcome. I've mentioned randomly through out this blog that I recently lost my mom to a very long battle with cancer. Recently... there's another funny term. For some a year sounds like a life time ago, for others (myself included) a year seems like just yesterday.
When my mom first passed away I way fine, or at least as fine as anyone could be. I cried my eyes out the first few weeks and morned my loss, but I also rejoiced in my new found faith and in the fact that my mom was no longer in pain or being dragged to yet another Dr.'s appointment. All in all I was doing ok. She died on February 8th 2011, it was the beginning of spring that year and the sunshine did my heart a lot of good. It rained a lot in the later months but my heart still soared as I dug into God's word and put my hope in Him. Through out the summer I hung out a lot with my family and spent a lot of my free time swimming at my parent's house with my little brother and older sister. I wish I could say that my mom was always at the back of my mind, but she wasn't. Whenever something happens that I know would cause me pain I tend to push it out of my mind. If I don't think about it then I wont be upset. There were nights when memories would start flooding my thoughts and the agony of missing her would finally hit me full force. But even then I would push it away and think about other things.
Though spring and summer were great and my spiritual walk progressed fall was another story. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the smells, the food, and the colors that adorn every tree. By the middle of July I was ready for fall. I couldn't wait for carving pumpkins and baking apple crisp or walking around Tanner's orchard. I waited and waited. Half way through October I was still waiting. It just didn't feel like fall. Nothing was the same but I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Random thoughts of my mom would come to mind, going grocery shopping together, going to the mall, more Dr.'s appointments, and lunch at Olive Garden. By pushing everything down I had forgotten that my mom had been a huge part of fall the year before. As the season wore on I decided to set my sights on Christmas and winter. I figured that since Christmas was a time for the family to get together everything would be perfect. Obviously I knew that it would also be a time to really miss my mom. But I figured the lights, the tree, the time spent with family, all of that would make up for it. I was super excited to celebrate Christmas this year also because it would be my first Christmas as a Christian.
Just like fall, however, nothing felt quite right. Christmas tunes played on the radio but it was as though I couldn't hear them. Christmas lights were up all around town but they didn't make me smile the way they use too. I even got two weeks off from work but did very little in the name of Christmas cheer. When Christmas day finally arrived I was grumpy and irritable. Nothing was going the way I thought they would and I just could not figure out why. I cried and yelled about things that weren't really bothering me and tried my hardest to search within myself for the problem. Finally after lying in bed for a good twenty minutes and crying my heart out to God the cold stark reality hit me. I miss my mom way more than I thought.
Like I said, grief is a funny thing. You'd think I'd have gone through all this when she first died and finally be on the rebound now that a year has gone by. But with the year marker quickly approaching I find myself angry. Angry with God, angry with my circumstances, angry with the world. I know my mom is in a much better place and that she is happy beyond measure. And I still don't wish her back to this dreary sinful place. But there is a part of me missing now and it's hard to deal with that.
This past week or so I have really been dealing with "am I truly changed in Christ?" I was slipping back into old habits, not reading God's word not wanting to further my relationship with Him. I was back to the old lazy Abbey. This made me even more angry with God and confused. How could I continue with this relationship if the promise of change wasn't fulfilled?
I talked to my best friend about it yesterday and she continued to say that she had seen a change in me. I was a new creation. Out of anger I argued with her and told her I just wasn't seeing it and couldn't believe it. But the more we talked the more I realized I have changed. Maybe not in the way that I wanted or even as much as I had hoped, but I am new. Unlike two years ago my anger and frustration has not made me turn my back on God. I still believe that He loves me and that He knows what is best for me. That promise has never changed. My sinful self wants Him to just hand everything to me that is easy and happy, but He never promised that your life here on earth would be one big rainbow. Though He may not be holding me the way I want Him to be, He is indeed holding me and whispering "I love you Abbey."
I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my mom. I'm still angry. Not so much at God but at how things played out. However I'm not running any more.... or at least not today. I'm going to take life day by day now and just look at what God is giving me. I will abundantly thank Him for what He has done and lean on Him with the assurance that He will hold me up through all of this.
I realize that today's post may not make sense to many people. I'm a bit jumbled sometimes as I write my thoughts out, mainly because my thoughts are often times jumbled :) But if there is one thing that you get from today I pray that it is this. No matter what you're going through remember that; God's word is ALIVE and ACTIVE in you, You can do all things through Christ, You are who God says you are (redeemed, loved, chosen, blessed, blameless, a new creation in Him, the list goes on) God can do what He says He can do, and God IS who He says He is. Just because you feel yourself slipping into to old sins and habits doesn't mean you are your old self. Don't run from Him in your shame, run to Him knowing that He will not turn away from you. He will open His arms and lift you up. For you are His and He loves you.
With Love,
Abbey
When my mom first passed away I way fine, or at least as fine as anyone could be. I cried my eyes out the first few weeks and morned my loss, but I also rejoiced in my new found faith and in the fact that my mom was no longer in pain or being dragged to yet another Dr.'s appointment. All in all I was doing ok. She died on February 8th 2011, it was the beginning of spring that year and the sunshine did my heart a lot of good. It rained a lot in the later months but my heart still soared as I dug into God's word and put my hope in Him. Through out the summer I hung out a lot with my family and spent a lot of my free time swimming at my parent's house with my little brother and older sister. I wish I could say that my mom was always at the back of my mind, but she wasn't. Whenever something happens that I know would cause me pain I tend to push it out of my mind. If I don't think about it then I wont be upset. There were nights when memories would start flooding my thoughts and the agony of missing her would finally hit me full force. But even then I would push it away and think about other things.
Though spring and summer were great and my spiritual walk progressed fall was another story. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the smells, the food, and the colors that adorn every tree. By the middle of July I was ready for fall. I couldn't wait for carving pumpkins and baking apple crisp or walking around Tanner's orchard. I waited and waited. Half way through October I was still waiting. It just didn't feel like fall. Nothing was the same but I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Random thoughts of my mom would come to mind, going grocery shopping together, going to the mall, more Dr.'s appointments, and lunch at Olive Garden. By pushing everything down I had forgotten that my mom had been a huge part of fall the year before. As the season wore on I decided to set my sights on Christmas and winter. I figured that since Christmas was a time for the family to get together everything would be perfect. Obviously I knew that it would also be a time to really miss my mom. But I figured the lights, the tree, the time spent with family, all of that would make up for it. I was super excited to celebrate Christmas this year also because it would be my first Christmas as a Christian.
Just like fall, however, nothing felt quite right. Christmas tunes played on the radio but it was as though I couldn't hear them. Christmas lights were up all around town but they didn't make me smile the way they use too. I even got two weeks off from work but did very little in the name of Christmas cheer. When Christmas day finally arrived I was grumpy and irritable. Nothing was going the way I thought they would and I just could not figure out why. I cried and yelled about things that weren't really bothering me and tried my hardest to search within myself for the problem. Finally after lying in bed for a good twenty minutes and crying my heart out to God the cold stark reality hit me. I miss my mom way more than I thought.
Like I said, grief is a funny thing. You'd think I'd have gone through all this when she first died and finally be on the rebound now that a year has gone by. But with the year marker quickly approaching I find myself angry. Angry with God, angry with my circumstances, angry with the world. I know my mom is in a much better place and that she is happy beyond measure. And I still don't wish her back to this dreary sinful place. But there is a part of me missing now and it's hard to deal with that.
This past week or so I have really been dealing with "am I truly changed in Christ?" I was slipping back into old habits, not reading God's word not wanting to further my relationship with Him. I was back to the old lazy Abbey. This made me even more angry with God and confused. How could I continue with this relationship if the promise of change wasn't fulfilled?
I talked to my best friend about it yesterday and she continued to say that she had seen a change in me. I was a new creation. Out of anger I argued with her and told her I just wasn't seeing it and couldn't believe it. But the more we talked the more I realized I have changed. Maybe not in the way that I wanted or even as much as I had hoped, but I am new. Unlike two years ago my anger and frustration has not made me turn my back on God. I still believe that He loves me and that He knows what is best for me. That promise has never changed. My sinful self wants Him to just hand everything to me that is easy and happy, but He never promised that your life here on earth would be one big rainbow. Though He may not be holding me the way I want Him to be, He is indeed holding me and whispering "I love you Abbey."
I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my mom. I'm still angry. Not so much at God but at how things played out. However I'm not running any more.... or at least not today. I'm going to take life day by day now and just look at what God is giving me. I will abundantly thank Him for what He has done and lean on Him with the assurance that He will hold me up through all of this.
I realize that today's post may not make sense to many people. I'm a bit jumbled sometimes as I write my thoughts out, mainly because my thoughts are often times jumbled :) But if there is one thing that you get from today I pray that it is this. No matter what you're going through remember that; God's word is ALIVE and ACTIVE in you, You can do all things through Christ, You are who God says you are (redeemed, loved, chosen, blessed, blameless, a new creation in Him, the list goes on) God can do what He says He can do, and God IS who He says He is. Just because you feel yourself slipping into to old sins and habits doesn't mean you are your old self. Don't run from Him in your shame, run to Him knowing that He will not turn away from you. He will open His arms and lift you up. For you are His and He loves you.
With Love,
Abbey
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Long time no see!
Wow it has been a while! I wish I could say I've been so busy in God's word that I haven't even had a moment to breathe let alone blog!!! But alas my confession is that I went through a rough patch. A VERY rough patch. It has been as though God finally decided to get me off my spiritual high and see how I do when life really gets in the way. I feel like I failed... I was angry through out most of Christmas,missing my mom and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn't spend much time praying or digging into God's word, and I honestly believe that is what caused my foul mood.
For Christmas my wonderful mother and father-in law got me a beautiful leather journal. It was a bit pricey so I didn't really expect anyone to get it for me. When I opened it on Christmas morning I knew right then and there that such a lovely journal would be Perfect for my prayers. Looking back over my first week of prayers I noticed a lot of "Lord, I just can't wait for spring because that is when my heart finally turned to you last year!" or "God, I need to feel your Joy and warmth... please bring me to you!" But all the while I negelected to get into God's word. I expected God to hand me Joy on a silver platter. Now sometimes He does do that... in fact last spring He just gave it to me without me even asking, but that was before I was a Christian and He knew that, that was what I needed then. Not now. Now He wants me to grow and give up my time to Him. It's sort of like Job. Job had a great life and everything was going well, so of course He praised God... but how would He do if things started to crumble all around him? Now I don't see myself as blameless or as Godly as Job was... but I think we can all take something away from his story. God wants us to lean, dwell, and trust in Him all the time. Whether it's through the hard times or the really good times.
If you've been following this blog at all, or even if you just bounced around through a few posts, I'm sure you've noticed this seems to be common problem for me. I either do Really good about getting in God's word and living for Him, or I do absolutely horrible! I can't seem to find a middle ground. For the longest time I didn't want to admit that to anyone. I wanted people to think I was constantly connected to God... again with my pride!! But now that I think about it I realize it's a process. And not a process that lasts a few months and then BING perfect! No it's a process that will last a life time. The only place where we will have perfect balance between life and worship is Heaven. I will never be perfect here on earth, and that's not an excuse to get me out of trouble, it's a fact of life. But that also doesn't mean that I should just give up and only look forward to Heaven. God has shown me way too much for me to believe that while we're here on this earth we should just do as we like and we can save the changing and worshiping for Heaven. God wants to bless us now. God is ready for me to change, Now. And He will show which area He wants to change when HE wants to change it.
I have been bombarded with the fact that this is ALL about God and His glory.. maybe that will be my next post :) Every where you look there is God. He has a purpose, a Will, a plan. I need to be opened minded and hearted so that I may be ready to be a part of that plan.
One final thought "1 My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you,
2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, 4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:1-5
Digging into God's word is SO important! It is an amazing way that God speaks to us. May our ears be attentive and our hearts inclined! God is ready to reveal His plan to us, whether He wants to show us the big picture or it's day by day. I want to get back in loop :) I am ready to lean on God and ask Him "What would you have me do today? How might I bring you glory?" Are you?
With Love,
Abbey
For Christmas my wonderful mother and father-in law got me a beautiful leather journal. It was a bit pricey so I didn't really expect anyone to get it for me. When I opened it on Christmas morning I knew right then and there that such a lovely journal would be Perfect for my prayers. Looking back over my first week of prayers I noticed a lot of "Lord, I just can't wait for spring because that is when my heart finally turned to you last year!" or "God, I need to feel your Joy and warmth... please bring me to you!" But all the while I negelected to get into God's word. I expected God to hand me Joy on a silver platter. Now sometimes He does do that... in fact last spring He just gave it to me without me even asking, but that was before I was a Christian and He knew that, that was what I needed then. Not now. Now He wants me to grow and give up my time to Him. It's sort of like Job. Job had a great life and everything was going well, so of course He praised God... but how would He do if things started to crumble all around him? Now I don't see myself as blameless or as Godly as Job was... but I think we can all take something away from his story. God wants us to lean, dwell, and trust in Him all the time. Whether it's through the hard times or the really good times.
If you've been following this blog at all, or even if you just bounced around through a few posts, I'm sure you've noticed this seems to be common problem for me. I either do Really good about getting in God's word and living for Him, or I do absolutely horrible! I can't seem to find a middle ground. For the longest time I didn't want to admit that to anyone. I wanted people to think I was constantly connected to God... again with my pride!! But now that I think about it I realize it's a process. And not a process that lasts a few months and then BING perfect! No it's a process that will last a life time. The only place where we will have perfect balance between life and worship is Heaven. I will never be perfect here on earth, and that's not an excuse to get me out of trouble, it's a fact of life. But that also doesn't mean that I should just give up and only look forward to Heaven. God has shown me way too much for me to believe that while we're here on this earth we should just do as we like and we can save the changing and worshiping for Heaven. God wants to bless us now. God is ready for me to change, Now. And He will show which area He wants to change when HE wants to change it.
I have been bombarded with the fact that this is ALL about God and His glory.. maybe that will be my next post :) Every where you look there is God. He has a purpose, a Will, a plan. I need to be opened minded and hearted so that I may be ready to be a part of that plan.
One final thought "1 My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you,
2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, 4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:1-5
Digging into God's word is SO important! It is an amazing way that God speaks to us. May our ears be attentive and our hearts inclined! God is ready to reveal His plan to us, whether He wants to show us the big picture or it's day by day. I want to get back in loop :) I am ready to lean on God and ask Him "What would you have me do today? How might I bring you glory?" Are you?
With Love,
Abbey
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